Monday, January 7, 2013

What's My Age Again?

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I've had a lot going on in my life since November. Soooo... RECAP:

I got another job (in addition to my school jobs) at a restaurant as a server. I desperately needed the money, and the time it is consuming may be more stressful to me, but I really didn't have a lot of options. Overall, I've actually really grown to like working there, because it's a fun and well-known place in Madison, and the rest of the staff are really great to be around. They've welcomed me very quickly, and I feel like I have an entire new group of people to get to know and friendships to build.

November and December also found me finishing my CNA class with clinicals in the cardio unit at a hospital. This was challenging for me, but equally rewarding. Some days the patients were hard to deal with, but other days they were a treat. From patients accidentally peeing on the floor and laughing it off, to patients that got upset at the smallest things and told me to just let them die already, I really experienced more about illness, emotion, and healing (physically and mentally) than I expected to. I got more insight into working in healthcare, too, which makes me feel a little bit more confident in my current life plan of becoming a Physician Assistant.

I also turned 23 early in December, which (as another anti-climatic birthday after age 21) really got my noggin brewing on my life. When we're kids, everything seems so possible. We can choose any path, and nothing is unattainable, because we've always got the rest of our lives to accomplish it. I know I'm not ancient, but I'm also not a child anymore. I'm stuck in that life-decision limbo that will probably end up being the most scary, stressful, but thrillingly real years of my life. My weekend and nighttime behaviors suggest that I am still a young kid with fun on the brain and no sleep schedule. However, I have the responsibility of my own finances, my own education, and my ridiculously lovable kitty. I know where I want to be in 5 years, but I'm far from there. And time for me seems to go excruciatingly slow, but yet days are gone in the blink of an eye.

I think my life seems so uncertain to me right now just because my path is so flexible. I have no boyfriend, and I'm only really tied to my location because of my jobs, which are in no way permanent. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything, yet I'm stuck. It's also difficult for me to look to my older sisters for guidance, because they seem so stable and exactly where they wanted to be. My eldest sister is getting married to a great guy in June, she's got a cute house, and she's had her dream job for a few years already. My other older sister has been happily married to her high school sweetheart for a year and a half, she's got a job she loves, and they're expecting their first child in May. I feel like they are making permanent positive life changes, and I'm almost taking a step backwards. It almost feels like the scene of a movie where the main character stands still while the rest of the world rushes around them without any notice to that character.

I realize I sound a bit negative, but I really think it's part of my growing up process. Not everything can be rainbows and sunshine on the path to self-discovery. I just hope that as I travel on, the clouds of doubt and uncertainty will make way for a bright future.