Sunday Bloody Sunday

I looked back at my last few posts, and realized how depressed I sound. When I created this blog, it was really just a personal outlet for me to write down my thoughts, and not really for anyone else's approval. It still is that way, but I am starting to see that I only write about uncertainty and finding myself, which is totally appropriate for my age, but I think I definitely am coming across as negative. So, in an effort to share the crazy, fun part of my life (which is most of the time, actually), I figured I'd share something new (and maybe positive, depending on your view?).

My great friend, Jackie, and I were sitting at the Union on campus yesterday (Sunday). I was studying for my anatomy and physiology lab final I had earlier today, and she was reading from one of her current 3 reads (we're the same age, but she's a full-time RN and therefore gets to read for fun). Anyways, I was procrastinating per usual, and I came across a friend's post on Facebook about a freaking awesome Bloody Mary she got at a restaurant in a city about 45 minutes away from us. This thing was STACKED with garnishes in celebration of Cinco de Mayo: nachos, a CUP of salsa, a taco, a taquito, something huge and deep-fried, as well as the typical garnishes. There was even a mini-Mexican hat on top and a little sign that said "fiesta". It was glorious.

A conversation ensued between Jackie and I about how much food there was on top of the thing, and that you wouldn't even need to order an entree because it's all on the drink. I'm not entirely sure how we made it to the next step, but we decided to try going on a "cleanse" for 2 weeks. On only Bloody Marys.

Clearly, we aren't raging alcoholics (ok, define 'raging'), so we have made a few good choices surrounding this idea. Our game-plan includes this:
- drinking water
- drinking V8 vegetable juice (on days we need to be sober)
- drinking Bloody Mary mix with vodka (on days we can knock a couple back)
- eating only foods that would be traditional Bloody Mary garnishes

The garnishes include pickles, olives, celery, carrots, oranges, and beef sticks. We also can add Tabasco, pepper, and/or garlic to taste if we wish. We had to make a modification today with the beef sticks part though, because the grocery store we were at was severely lacking in that department, so we resigned to getting summer sausage (which is basically a giant beef stick, anyhow, so potato potatoe). Needless to say, we will probably be pretty hungry for the first day, and I am sure I will be craving Qdoba or a fat cheeseburger within a few days.

We actually scored big today at the grocery store liquor department, because they happened to be having a "buy a handle of Skyy vodka, get a handle of Bloody Mary mix free" deal. It's like they knew we were coming. Except by the time we were done, everyone was probably judging our cart super hard.

our ridiculous cart... note: vodka is in the brown-paper bags

Now, let me be clear with you on another point. Jackie and I aren't really using this to try to lose weight. We are simply trying it for shits and giggles, mainly to see if we have the will-power to stick to it. We also tried googling it, and it doesn't seem like anyone has ever done it before, so here we are. If anything, we'll be retaining so much sodium from all this that we're going to get all bloaty and gross. But alas, we don't eat that great on a regular basis anyhow, so it'll probably come out flush.

I know I'm scheisty at posting frequently, but I will actually try to do a couple updates on this adventure! If anyone actually reads my blog, this is probably the one story that's remotely follow-worthy.

Round and Round

Why is my life such a hot mess? I have basically zero income after all my bills are accounted for (I probably actually have negative income if we factor in credit cards and loans), I'm stressed all the time, and I'm still confused about which direction my life is supposed to be going in. I feel like I'm dancing in circles and really going nowhere. That's not how it's supposed to be right now, not for me. 

It's not that I haven't worked hard. I have a bachelors degree in German from UW Madison. I am working 3 part-time jobs, and I'm taking 8 credits at a tech college to help me get closer to grad school. Maybe I'm over thinking how to approach the rest of my life, but it seems like I'm actually working TOO hard. Is that even possible? Or maybe I'm having a hard time focusing and prioritizing my life. 

I should stop messing around and apply to grad schools, but I don't have all the prerequisites done. I should quit my part-time jobs and get a full-time one with benefits in the meantime, but how else can I work around my class schedule? I should stop spending any extra money I have and buy a car so I don't have to base my life around public transportation, but I don't have any extra money. 

I feel like a college junior when in comes to my decision making, because it seems like I've still got all the time in the world. But when I think about my life deeper than the surface, I feel like an unemployed nobody standing on the edge of a cliff. Do I turn around and try to find a better solution to get down? Or do I keep tumbling down the rocky side hoping I'll get to the bottom with only a few bumps and bruises? I don't think I know how to make my life easier, so for the time being I guess I'll just go round and round and hope the damage at the end is minimal. 

All I Want

Well, I haven't felt this way in over 2 years, since my ex and I were together. I have to say, it's confusing, complicated, and completely out of my comfort zone. I think about it way more than I should, and I find it affecting my daily life. It's exciting, but I'm mostly scared, because I don't want to ruin things... I really, really like someone. Someone that I'm good friends with.

I am usually very outgoing and don't have a hard time keeping a conversation going with basically anyone that can speak. I can comfortably talk to him, but when it seems to be an appropriate time to maybe tell him how I feel, I get crazy nervous and shut up like a clam. I feel like I'm in middle school again, and I really don't know how to handle myself. We have a lot of mutual friends, so things could potentially get messy if feelings aren't reciprocated and get hurt. And by that, I mean mine.

My biggest problem is that I truly enjoy spending time with this guy. That should sound fine and dandy, like I should be happy to just be able to spend time with someone that I enjoy being with, but the entire time I'm with him, I just keep wishing it was more; wishing he would hold my hand, that he could introduce me as his girlfriend... But alas, here I sit with my computer and a glass of wine, alone on my couch. It's completely my fault. I really should just grow a pair and tell him how I feel; that I want to cuddle, and watch movies, and cook dinner together. But self-preservation and my fears of rejection are ridiculously overwhelming, enough to keep me from saying anything.

Since when does 23 feel like 13?

What's My Age Again?

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I've had a lot going on in my life since November. Soooo... RECAP:

I got another job (in addition to my school jobs) at a restaurant as a server. I desperately needed the money, and the time it is consuming may be more stressful to me, but I really didn't have a lot of options. Overall, I've actually really grown to like working there, because it's a fun and well-known place in Madison, and the rest of the staff are really great to be around. They've welcomed me very quickly, and I feel like I have an entire new group of people to get to know and friendships to build.

November and December also found me finishing my CNA class with clinicals in the cardio unit at a hospital. This was challenging for me, but equally rewarding. Some days the patients were hard to deal with, but other days they were a treat. From patients accidentally peeing on the floor and laughing it off, to patients that got upset at the smallest things and told me to just let them die already, I really experienced more about illness, emotion, and healing (physically and mentally) than I expected to. I got more insight into working in healthcare, too, which makes me feel a little bit more confident in my current life plan of becoming a Physician Assistant.

I also turned 23 early in December, which (as another anti-climatic birthday after age 21) really got my noggin brewing on my life. When we're kids, everything seems so possible. We can choose any path, and nothing is unattainable, because we've always got the rest of our lives to accomplish it. I know I'm not ancient, but I'm also not a child anymore. I'm stuck in that life-decision limbo that will probably end up being the most scary, stressful, but thrillingly real years of my life. My weekend and nighttime behaviors suggest that I am still a young kid with fun on the brain and no sleep schedule. However, I have the responsibility of my own finances, my own education, and my ridiculously lovable kitty. I know where I want to be in 5 years, but I'm far from there. And time for me seems to go excruciatingly slow, but yet days are gone in the blink of an eye.

I think my life seems so uncertain to me right now just because my path is so flexible. I have no boyfriend, and I'm only really tied to my location because of my jobs, which are in no way permanent. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything, yet I'm stuck. It's also difficult for me to look to my older sisters for guidance, because they seem so stable and exactly where they wanted to be. My eldest sister is getting married to a great guy in June, she's got a cute house, and she's had her dream job for a few years already. My other older sister has been happily married to her high school sweetheart for a year and a half, she's got a job she loves, and they're expecting their first child in May. I feel like they are making permanent positive life changes, and I'm almost taking a step backwards. It almost feels like the scene of a movie where the main character stands still while the rest of the world rushes around them without any notice to that character.

I realize I sound a bit negative, but I really think it's part of my growing up process. Not everything can be rainbows and sunshine on the path to self-discovery. I just hope that as I travel on, the clouds of doubt and uncertainty will make way for a bright future.