Monday, May 19, 2014


Today is definitely one of those days where I would just like to curl into a ball with a cup of tea, a down blanket, and watch hours of mindless television. Or read a book, but I'd probably fall asleep immediately. And maybe that's why I have the urge to be solitary today. I'm exhausted. Although it could just be the cloudy, drizzly weather. Either way, I just want to be in a dark, quiet place. But alas, I have to work for a grand total of 13 hours today and I need to be a normal, interactive being during this time.

Typically I'd be ok just trudging through a day like today with a fake smile and a massive amount of coffee, but only 2 hours into my workday, and I've already had several comments that just were plain annoying. One regular at the community center (where I'll be spending my first 5 hours of work) hadn't seen me in awhile and asked me if I had lost weight. Feeling accomplished, but still with a lack of enthusiasm, I replied, "Thanks for asking. I actually lost about 15 lbs recently." This fine individual kindly responded, "Yeah, I thought you looked different. Your face looks thinner. It makes you look meaner." .....WHAT. Apparently I have a confirmed case of RBF on this oh-so-delightful, dreary, tiring day. Although I've been a self-proclaimed victim of Resting Bitch Face on multiple occasions, it just hurts a little more when someone says it out loud, entangled in their back-handed compliment that I was at first eager to receive.

Now honestly, I probably could've gotten over this pretty quickly because I just have a general lack of feeling today, but literally the next person to come in (another regular), starts off his interaction with me by saying, "Hey! You need to smile more." My RBF probably had a severe flare-up at this point, because he seemed hesitant to ask me for a cover sheet for his fax and just seemed put-off by my flat affect and glaring. His discomfort I considered a personal victory.

There really isn't a point to my rant, except for the fact that I am having a ranty day. But I do come across a lot of people that ask or are asked if they are tired or sick based on a first appearance. I'm sure I'm guilty of asking people this, too, but wouldn't it be better if we just asked each other how we were doing first instead of immediately telling someone they look unhappy or pissed or ill? Maybe it's just not my day and your statement about my face made it that much more unpleasant. I AM A HAPPY PERSON.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Sunday Bloody Sunday

I looked back at my last few posts, and realized how depressed I sound. When I created this blog, it was really just a personal outlet for me to write down my thoughts, and not really for anyone else's approval. It still is that way, but I am starting to see that I only write about uncertainty and finding myself, which is totally appropriate for my age, but I think I definitely am coming across as negative. So, in an effort to share the crazy, fun part of my life (which is most of the time, actually), I figured I'd share something new (and maybe positive, depending on your view?).

My great friend, Jackie, and I were sitting at the Union on campus yesterday (Sunday). I was studying for my anatomy and physiology lab final I had earlier today, and she was reading from one of her current 3 reads (we're the same age, but she's a full-time RN and therefore gets to read for fun). Anyways, I was procrastinating per usual, and I came across a friend's post on Facebook about a freaking awesome Bloody Mary she got at a restaurant in a city about 45 minutes away from us. This thing was STACKED with garnishes in celebration of Cinco de Mayo: nachos, a CUP of salsa, a taco, a taquito, something huge and deep-fried, as well as the typical garnishes. There was even a mini-Mexican hat on top and a little sign that said "fiesta". It was glorious.

A conversation ensued between Jackie and I about how much food there was on top of the thing, and that you wouldn't even need to order an entree because it's all on the drink. I'm not entirely sure how we made it to the next step, but we decided to try going on a "cleanse" for 2 weeks. On only Bloody Marys.

Clearly, we aren't raging alcoholics (ok, define 'raging'), so we have made a few good choices surrounding this idea. Our game-plan includes this:
- drinking water
- drinking V8 vegetable juice (on days we need to be sober)
- drinking Bloody Mary mix with vodka (on days we can knock a couple back)
- eating only foods that would be traditional Bloody Mary garnishes

The garnishes include pickles, olives, celery, carrots, oranges, and beef sticks. We also can add Tabasco, pepper, and/or garlic to taste if we wish. We had to make a modification today with the beef sticks part though, because the grocery store we were at was severely lacking in that department, so we resigned to getting summer sausage (which is basically a giant beef stick, anyhow, so potato potatoe). Needless to say, we will probably be pretty hungry for the first day, and I am sure I will be craving Qdoba or a fat cheeseburger within a few days.

We actually scored big today at the grocery store liquor department, because they happened to be having a "buy a handle of Skyy vodka, get a handle of Bloody Mary mix free" deal. It's like they knew we were coming. Except by the time we were done, everyone was probably judging our cart super hard.

our ridiculous cart... note: vodka is in the brown-paper bags
Now, let me be clear with you on another point. Jackie and I aren't really using this to try to lose weight. We are simply trying it for shits and giggles, mainly to see if we have the will-power to stick to it. We also tried googling it, and it doesn't seem like anyone has ever done it before, so here we are. If anything, we'll be retaining so much sodium from all this that we're going to get all bloaty and gross. But alas, we don't eat that great on a regular basis anyhow, so it'll probably come out flush.

I know I'm scheisty at posting frequently, but I will actually try to do a couple updates on this adventure! If anyone actually reads my blog, this is probably the one story that's remotely follow-worthy.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Round and Round

Why is my life such a hot mess? I have basically zero income after all my bills are accounted for (I probably actually have negative income if we factor in credit cards and loans), I'm stressed all the time, and I'm still confused about which direction my life is supposed to be going in. I feel like I'm dancing in circles and really going nowhere. That's not how it's supposed to be right now, not for me. 

It's not that I haven't worked hard. I have a bachelors degree in German from UW Madison. I am working 3 part-time jobs, and I'm taking 8 credits at a tech college to help me get closer to grad school. Maybe I'm over thinking how to approach the rest of my life, but it seems like I'm actually working TOO hard. Is that even possible? Or maybe I'm having a hard time focusing and prioritizing my life. 

I should stop messing around and apply to grad schools, but I don't have all the prerequisites done. I should quit my part-time jobs and get a full-time one with benefits in the meantime, but how else can I work around my class schedule? I should stop spending any extra money I have and buy a car so I don't have to base my life around public transportation, but I don't have any extra money. 

I feel like a college junior when in comes to my decision making, because it seems like I've still got all the time in the world. But when I think about my life deeper than the surface, I feel like an unemployed nobody standing on the edge of a cliff. Do I turn around and try to find a better solution to get down? Or do I keep tumbling down the rocky side hoping I'll get to the bottom with only a few bumps and bruises? I don't think I know how to make my life easier, so for the time being I guess I'll just go round and round and hope the damage at the end is minimal. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

All I Want

Well, I haven't felt this way in over 2 years, since my ex and I were together. I have to say, it's confusing, complicated, and completely out of my comfort zone. I think about it way more than I should, and I find it affecting my daily life. It's exciting, but I'm mostly scared, because I don't want to ruin things... I really, really like someone. Someone that I'm good friends with.

I am usually very outgoing and don't have a hard time keeping a conversation going with basically anyone that can speak. I can comfortably talk to him, but when it seems to be an appropriate time to maybe tell him how I feel, I get crazy nervous and shut up like a clam. I feel like I'm in middle school again, and I really don't know how to handle myself. We have a lot of mutual friends, so things could potentially get messy if feelings aren't reciprocated and get hurt. And by that, I mean mine.

My biggest problem is that I truly enjoy spending time with this guy. That should sound fine and dandy, like I should be happy to just be able to spend time with someone that I enjoy being with, but the entire time I'm with him, I just keep wishing it was more; wishing he would hold my hand, that he could introduce me as his girlfriend... But alas, here I sit with my computer and a glass of wine, alone on my couch. It's completely my fault. I really should just grow a pair and tell him how I feel; that I want to cuddle, and watch movies, and cook dinner together. But self-preservation and my fears of rejection are ridiculously overwhelming, enough to keep me from saying anything.

Since when does 23 feel like 13?

Monday, January 7, 2013

What's My Age Again?

It's been awhile since I've posted, but I've had a lot going on in my life since November. Soooo... RECAP:

I got another job (in addition to my school jobs) at a restaurant as a server. I desperately needed the money, and the time it is consuming may be more stressful to me, but I really didn't have a lot of options. Overall, I've actually really grown to like working there, because it's a fun and well-known place in Madison, and the rest of the staff are really great to be around. They've welcomed me very quickly, and I feel like I have an entire new group of people to get to know and friendships to build.

November and December also found me finishing my CNA class with clinicals in the cardio unit at a hospital. This was challenging for me, but equally rewarding. Some days the patients were hard to deal with, but other days they were a treat. From patients accidentally peeing on the floor and laughing it off, to patients that got upset at the smallest things and told me to just let them die already, I really experienced more about illness, emotion, and healing (physically and mentally) than I expected to. I got more insight into working in healthcare, too, which makes me feel a little bit more confident in my current life plan of becoming a Physician Assistant.

I also turned 23 early in December, which (as another anti-climatic birthday after age 21) really got my noggin brewing on my life. When we're kids, everything seems so possible. We can choose any path, and nothing is unattainable, because we've always got the rest of our lives to accomplish it. I know I'm not ancient, but I'm also not a child anymore. I'm stuck in that life-decision limbo that will probably end up being the most scary, stressful, but thrillingly real years of my life. My weekend and nighttime behaviors suggest that I am still a young kid with fun on the brain and no sleep schedule. However, I have the responsibility of my own finances, my own education, and my ridiculously lovable kitty. I know where I want to be in 5 years, but I'm far from there. And time for me seems to go excruciatingly slow, but yet days are gone in the blink of an eye.

I think my life seems so uncertain to me right now just because my path is so flexible. I have no boyfriend, and I'm only really tied to my location because of my jobs, which are in no way permanent. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything, yet I'm stuck. It's also difficult for me to look to my older sisters for guidance, because they seem so stable and exactly where they wanted to be. My eldest sister is getting married to a great guy in June, she's got a cute house, and she's had her dream job for a few years already. My other older sister has been happily married to her high school sweetheart for a year and a half, she's got a job she loves, and they're expecting their first child in May. I feel like they are making permanent positive life changes, and I'm almost taking a step backwards. It almost feels like the scene of a movie where the main character stands still while the rest of the world rushes around them without any notice to that character.

I realize I sound a bit negative, but I really think it's part of my growing up process. Not everything can be rainbows and sunshine on the path to self-discovery. I just hope that as I travel on, the clouds of doubt and uncertainty will make way for a bright future.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

If I Die Young

Lots of people make a bucket list of things they want to do before they die, and a lot of people will go on to do those things during retirement when they've saved enough money and the kids are out of the house. I think it's a great way to visualize all the things you want to accomplish, see, and do in this lifetime, and I really respect people that get to fulfill even one thing on their bucket list. But what if you don't make it to retirement? Or what if the things you wanted to do you are no longer able to because of bad health? I know it's a bit dark, but there's always a chance I'm not going to live to be 90, with 20 great-grandkids, and a content life of love and happiness.

I had a mental list of things I've always wanted to do, but instead of making it into a bucket list, I decided to make it into a "things to do before I'm 30" list. Because however sinister it may be, I might die young or lose my physical ability before my time. I know I might not accomplish everything on my list before I actually turn 30, but I'd certainly like to try.

Things to Do Before I'm 30

1. Volunteer or work overseas: Whether it's for a month or a year, I'd love this experience abroad to see new things, meet new people, and get to know myself better.
2. Visit a new continent: I've been to Europe and Africa, so I'd love to see some of South America, Asia, and/or Australia. I am really looking into a work holiday program in New Zealand, so number 1 on my list might help me kill two birds with one stone.
3. Read the best 100 novels of all time: I understand that this list could vary greatly depending on who you talk to, but I'd just like to read as many classic novels as possible, and hopefully I can hit 100 before I'm 30.
4. Visit Washington D.C. and New York City: I've never been to the east coast except for Florida, so I would love to see New York City and our nation's capitol.
5. Return to Europe: I love Europe. So I'd really like to go back and see some sights I might've missed the first 2 times, and I would really want to go with family this time, because my parents have never been to Europe, and I think they would love it.
6. Get a Master's degree: At this point, I intend on getting a degree in Physician Assistant studies, and I hope I can accomplish this by the time I'm 30.
7. Pay off student loans: This might not be that reasonable seeing as how I could be finishing up or continuing a master's program at age 30, but it's a nice thought.
8. Start an IRA: I happened to read about IRAs in a flyer my dad had a few years ago, and I think it would be really financially responsible of me to start a retirement account at a young age, just so I (and my future family) have less to stress about.
9. Run a marathon: I've ran in 5Ks, but I've always wanted to run a marathon. I think it would take a lot of discipline and integrity, which I could always use more of.
10. Audition for a reality TV show: I've already fulfilled my dream of being an audience member on Price is Right, but I think it would fun to audition for Real World, or Survivor, or American Idol. I doubt I would get on any of those, but the thrill of trying would be enough for me.
11. Write a novel: I have a lot of kooky ideas in my noggin, and I think it would be awesome to write a novel. I wouldn't necessarily even try to publish it, I think finishing it would be enough for me.
12. Learn Spanish: I took a couple semesters in college, and I am planning on taking the next level next semester, so this goal is actually not too intangible. Spanish is just an important language in American culture, and I think it'd be a good skill to have.

13. Be a vegetarian for at least a month: I've always wanted to try it, just to see how I can do, and because it would help keep me thinking about what I'm eating. However, I really do like eating meat, so this might be tougher for me than one might think.
14. Learn guitar: I have a guitar, but I have no idea how to play it. I would really like to learn.
15. Go to a world-renowned party: I think it would be amazing to see Carnaval, Mardi Gras, or Oktoberfest, and experience the culture of an event of that magnitude.
16. Attend at least 10 concerts for bands I've never heard of: I love going to concerts, and I really enjoy when I find new music to listen to. What better way to explore than see someone play live?

I'm sure I'll want to add things to this list as I get older, and it might become a bucket list after I reach the ripe old age of 30. But for now, these are the things that I dream about accomplishing. Here's to hoping that I don't die young, and get the opportunity to say that I lived my life to the fullest while I was still able to enjoy it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Cleanin' Out My Closet

You know those days when you're doing something you've done a dozen times, but it leads to an epiphany? Well, I had one of those epiphanies today while cleaning out my closet.

My brain ran the usual track of, "Well, you went shopping and have a couple new shirts to hang up, but you're out of hangers... aka you have too many clothes and will never be able to wear all of these in a million years." I agreed with my brain, and began to stare at my clothing to decide who wasn't worthy anymore. As I began to pull a few items, my brain continued thinking (big surprise, right?). It said, "You know, if you only bought a couple things here and there when you went shopping instead of buying as much as your bank account allows, you would have a skinnier closet and a fatter wallet."

As usual, I tried to suppress my brain's line of rational thinking and told it to shut up because I'm young, and need to be fashionable and broke, or I wouldn't meet the status quo. But this time it was more persistent. The more my brain spat out logic, the less it sounded like my brain and the more it sounded like my mother's voice. Now I know I'm eventually going to turn into a modified version of my mother someday, but it is just happening too quickly. We have a very similar sense of humor and our views on a lot of world and life issues are also the same, which makes sense because she has always been my role model. But as my brain became my mother's voice of reason, I realized just how smart and logical it was actually sounding. Why should I spend all my spare cash on clothes I am only going to wear a couple times because they're cute, but they don't actually fit right? And why do I need to hold onto older clothes that I will never consider wearing again?

I am young and sometimes fashion possesses my brain and steals from my wallet, but I know I can't keep up the "I'm still young and can make mistakes" charade forever. My mom always told me to make things simple, and I always make them complicated. I think it's time I actually put some effort into listening to what she's been saying. Now, I will never promise to change the way I think and act overnight, because I'd be lying to everyone, but I really do need to start growing up and make my life more simple. If not only for my own sanity, but also for my mother's.

At least I know that if my mother has always been right and I'm turning into her, then someday I can always be right, too.