Tuesday, October 2, 2012

No Scrubs

I was in a relationship for 4 years with my high school boyfriend. I thought he was perfect for me, and then things slowly fizzled (some due to the fact that we went to college 5 hours away from each other). Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being in a relationship with him when it was happening and I don't regret any of it, but the more I think about who we are now and how we've grown into young adults, our personalities don't mesh like they used to. 

Now that I've been single for about a year and a half, I've had a lot of time to see the douchecanoes of the world in action. There have been some good guys out there I've met, but for whatever reason, we never got past a few texts before one of us turned the other down. I know I'm young, and I've got plenty of time to date, and have my heart broken, but I also don't want to waste my precious time on someone who is totally not right for me. As a female, I've of course thought about my ideal man, and therefore I will share my list of said dream-guy qualities with the interwebs.

Dreamboat top qualities check-list:
1. Educated. He doesn't have to be a rocket scientist, but a college degree is highly favorable. If I crack a joke that's based on something from 9th grade science, I want him to understand it.
2. Sense of humor. I have one (or so I think) and I'd like him to, also. I love to laugh and be sarcastic and act completely ridiculous, and if the dude doesn't appreciate that, then adios.
3. Outdoorsy. I sincerely enjoy camping and the great outdoors. My dude needs to be willing to go on a hike and be able to pitch a tent (and I am not referring to the one that happens in pants). A little nature-scruff facial hair also won't hurt his chances.
4. Musical. I don't care what instrument it is, but he has to know how to play something other than women and call of duty. Obviously, anything stringed or related to a rock band is going to get him more points.
5. Good taste in music. We don't have to love every song that each other plays, but he has to be willing to listen to what I like, because obviously it's the best music out there. I don't want a guy that solely listens to modern country music. Ugh. Hand-in-hand with this, he needs to like going to concerts.  
6. No criminal background. Some girls think that guys that are badasses are hot. Not me. I understand the occasional underage drinking ticket or speeding ticket, but it's not okay if you have charges for battery or robbery against you. If you own a gun that's not specifically for hunting, please don't bother me. There are enough issues in this world without you waving a .45 around.
7. Well-groomed. He doesn't need to wear armani or even abercrombie for that matter, but he has to present himself like a real adult. And showering on a regular basis is a necessity. No one likes greasy hair or the smell of BO. Please smell like you give a shit, not are a piece of one.
8. Family-oriented. Dude's gotta have a good relationship with his family. It makes for much less emotional turmoil. And I want to have kids someday, so he clearly needs to want them, too. Hell, I want to be a foster parent if I'm financially sound, so I'd be overjoyed to find someone with the same sentiment.
9. Full of Wanderlust. I love traveling, and I plan to travel as much as my adult finances allow. It would be ideal if he wanted to come on adventures with me, whether it's to a state park or halfway around the globe.
10. A sports fan. I am a die-hard WI sports fan, be it the Badgers, Packers, or Brewers, in good seasons or pitiful ones. He doesn't have to be a WI fan, because a little rivalry would be fun, too.
11. Cares about his body. He absolutely cannot smoke. I can't stand the smell of cigarettes, and I have chronic bronchitis, so I'd be coughing up half my lung all day. If he's going to smoke an occasional cigar with the dudes, okay. He also needs to maintain his body. I'm no fitness model, and he doesn't have to be either, but I don't want a man that's going to keel over at 35 because he didn't give a shit about what he was consuming or just never considered going for a jog.

If you happen to know anyone that fulfills all of these standards, I'll be upset if you don't immediately set us up on a date. I'm sure I'm being unrealistic with my expectations, but I don't intend on settling for just anyone. I probably will meet Mr. Right someday and chuckle at the ones he doesn't even come close to fulfilling. But for right now, I'm sticking to these 11 points, because I don't want no scrub.

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